We Found Those Satanic Pedophiles

Republicans are always talking about how there is a shadowy conspiracy of Satanic pedophiles out there that needs to be found and executed. Well, we’ve uncovered some of them by reading the news!

First off, we found some Satanic pedophiles in Missouri who conspired to set up a reform school for girls so they could sexually abuse them. Don’t worry, though — the authorities have arrested them and charged them with 102 counts. What’s weird, though, is that it was a Christian reform school — the perpetrators don’t identify as Satanists, but rather as conservative Christians. Very interesting!

In other news, surely by now you’ve heard that Matt Gaetz (a Republican representing Flordia in the US House of Representatives) has been involved in sexual trafficking of minors in addition to a slew of sleazy sexual stuff that mostly isn’t illegal but is certainly morally reprehensible. Sounds like Matt might be another one of those Satanic pedophiles Republicans have been worrying about — sure is odd that he is a Republican politician!

And if you look him up, you’ll see that he claims to be a Christian and supports evangelical (Christian dominionist) political positions. Very curious!

Oh, but wait — there’s more: The inside story of how Kanakuk—one of America’s largest Christian camps—enabled horrific abuse. Wow! Another conspiracy of Satanic pedophiles in Missouri! Who’da thunk it!

So maybe all those Republicans who are worried about Satanic pedophiles should check within their own ranks because that appears to be where all the Satanic pedophiles are. To be fair, there’s no indication that any of these people worship the devil; there’s every indication that they do not. They seem to be people who sincerely believe that they are following the teachings of Jesus Christ.

My experience with conservatives is that when they actually find a pedophile operating in their own community, they let them go. This isn’t really data — more like a series of anecdotes I’ve heard over the years — but the logic seems to be that because pressing charges against the pedophile would be so damaging to the reputation and psyche of the child (and perhaps more importantly the family of the child) that they just warn the pedophile that he should never be around the child again. And that’s it. The pedophile is free to go on and molest another child. They are enabling the pervert’s activities by remaining silent.

Then, they imagine a shadowy conspiracy of Satanic pedophiles and demand that they should be executed for their crimes against children.

My apologies to actual Satanists — the evidence indicates that actual Satanists are strongly opposed to pedophiles and would never harbor them like conservatives do. These false accusations of pedophilia against Satanists go back many centuries, and include time periods where there probably weren’t even any Satanists at all. (Basically, the victims of these accusations were probably neither Satanists nor pedophiles, but rather some other group of people these “Christians” wanted to persecute.) When 53 pastors signed a letter supporting Republican pedophile Ray Moore, the Church of Satan released a statement saying that Christians love pedophilia (2017) and pointed out that pedophilia is explicitly forbidden in the Satanic Bible but not in the Christian Bible.

Just in case I wasn’t clear enough: The reason conservatives claim that there are Satanic pedophiles is because they are looking for an excuse to destroy their enemies. Meanwhile, the real pedophile conspiracies are operating in conservatives communities.

Related: Who are the real Satanists?

Update: Now Matt Gaetz is saying that any Republican who isn’t a kid fucker is a (celibate) monk.