The Assault Weapons Controversy: Both Sides

The following is satire, and the people are fictitious.

Since the Biden administration has once again resurrected the idea of an assault weapon ban, we thought it would be good to check in with “both sides” of the argument. Of course, neither of these sides is our side, but apparently, these are the two sides that matter. Let’s see what our guest writers have to say!

Assault Weapons Are My Friends
by Darryl Lundstrom

Computer Generated ManThe Second Amendment isn’t about hunting. It’s about our God-given right to fight a tyrannical government! When I learned that a sinister cabal of pedophile Satanists had rigged the US Presidential election, I thought, “Well, this is exactly why the American people — or at least American people like me — need to have assault weapons!” even though there’s no such thing as an assault weapon, which you would know if you weren’t a dumbass.

And then I sat in my huge walk-in closet for three hours bravely clutching my Ruger AR-556 with beautiful American flag cerakote, surrounded by my cache of 30-round magazines and thousands of rounds of ammunition that I never shoot because I just never have time to go to the range because I’m always working for the huge multi-national corporation that employs me as a middle manager.

Speaking of work, January 6 was a Wednesday. But if it had been a Saturday, specifically, then you know I would have been there at the US Capitol kicking some ass for America and Jesus!

Now, let’s be clear about this: The gun I own is called an AR-556, so if you ban AR-15’s, it totally won’t affect me! Hahaha, dumbass! Also, you can ban all the “high capacity clips” you want because my gun takes magazines, which are an entirely different thing! Gotcha again!

Americans like me should be able to buy anything we want! That’s the definition of freedom in the Constitution! Whether that be a really nice chainsaw that I’ll only use once, some classic Barbra Streisand albums on CD, an autographed photo of Ben Shapiro, or, yes, an AR-15! And before you ask — Yes, I should be able to buy a nuke if I can afford it. I am an American, goddamnit.

Against Assault Weapons
by Karen Lundstrom

Computer Generated WomanAmerica has an epidemic of violence and we need to do something about it, as long as that something doesn’t involve changing the material conditions that lead to poverty. Guns are literally flooding the streets of our neighborhoods. Nearly 40,000 people die from gun-related injuries every year in our country. The majority of those are suicides and almost all involved a handgun.

That’s why I believe it is time to ban assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition clips. Now, I don’t really understand what either of those things are, but they don’t belong in our suburbs — unless they’re carried by the totally-not-racist cops that work here or maybe the army if there’s some kind of emergency. Other than that, these weapons of war belong in other countries, carried by our brave soldiers as they’re sent to murder whatever people live there in order to secure a constant, inexpensive flow of the things I need — like coffee, diamonds, oil and lithium.

I ask you: Do you really need a machine gun (which is what I assume an AR-15 is) for hunting? Doesn’t that make the deer, like, blow up? Who needs a machine gun more — an urban gangster who is probably up to no good despite being unarmed and having broken no laws, or our brave police officers? Do we really want to live in a world where a self-absorbed coward like me is forced to take responsibility for the violence inherent in our toxic capitalistic, patriarchal systems? I think not! Just let me get back to watching the latest police-procedural TV drama and someone else can worry about all the violence for me.

But here’s the most important thing: I don’t have time to be a parent. I’m always working for a huge multi-national corporation as a middle manager. My teenage son is being raised by the YouTube and the online chat people. He has no responsibilities and, honestly, I don’t feel like I even know him anymore. He says he’s into “men’s rights” — what does that mean? I’m afraid to look it up. So, my point is that I’m concerned about him having that machine gun that my husband bought for him that he keeps under his bed, and since I’m not willing to do anything about any of that myself, I want the government to take care of it for me. Before my son does a mass shooting.

Please help.