Tomorrow’s election is the most important American election ever, and that’s
why it is more important than ever that you get out and vote! However, if leftists don’t show up and vote for Kamala Harris (as is their duty), or if Trump’s people manipulate the electoral system in a completely legal way to invalidate our votes, then I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you from my new fourth home in Oakville, Ontario on beautiful Lake Ontario which I bought with all the money I’ve made from insider trading.
Please be assured that while Donald Trump is violently rounding up immigrants of color, their US-born children, the LGBTQ community, Jewish people, and any Democrats who are too poor to leave the country, I will be tirelessly fighting for you by posting strongly-worded messages on social media and accepting interviews from anyone who will have me. During this troubling time, it is important that you never resort to violence. Violence is never the answer, even if everyone like you is slowly being snatched off the streets, imprisoned, and systematically murdered.
Now, there are a couple of reasons for that, OK? First off, order is essential. Without order, the economy could be seriously threatened, and we can’t have that. I do care about you — deeply — but I obviously care about the economy more. The line must go up! I’m sure you understand. Second, violence is always wrong (unless the government is doing it), which is why you can never use violence to stop violence.
The key is civility, people. The other side is a mob of rabid nutjobs, but we can’t stoop to their level. We must be civil. That means following the law, but does not preclude destroying Trump and his supporters with a witty insult. Being uncivil by using violence or failing to abide by the law is simply unacceptable. So, if Trump changes the law to make protesting illegal, for example, then we simply can’t protest. That’s just how it is. If Trump makes it illegal for you to exist, well, then there’s only one way to be civil, and you will be missed. Get in a good zinger before you go.
I have a special message to those disgusting maniacs on the left who are refusing to vote for Kamala Harris: You belong to us. You have no choice but to vote against what you believe is right because what you believe is dumb. Ethics and solidarity are for stupid babies. Capitalism is obviously better than any other economic system, and we’re going to keep doing capitalism no matter what you say. Yes, I know it is killing the planet, but you need to just shut up about that. I’m sure Elon Musk will invent some computer thing any minute now that will take care of the problem. And shut up about Palestine, too. Don’t you understand that Israel’s fascist state is a key part of our dominance of the Middle East, which allows us to force the world to pay for oil with US dollars, which in turn makes it possible for you to get 85 flavors of Oreos, huge televisions for cheap, and all the avocados you can eat? You better not fuck with my stock portfolio. If you do, I will not be including any appeals for your well-being in my messaging from Canada. Just kidding, I was never going include you. You serve us, not the other way around, and I have already moved my money to a place where it will be safe.
Rest assured that you do not need to worry about me. That should be a comfort to you while you are being oppressed, tortured, murdered and so forth. Good luck and God bless!